So, my head is slamming, my body is cramping, but I am recovering. I guess it's like this, I am just getting back on track mentally and physically. I really don't know how someone recovers from something like this, or even just BUCKS UP and moves on. It doesn't feel right to "just move on" because then I feel like I am pretended our baby never existed or that this trial never happened. The truth is that it did, and I am so very sad about it, and there is a huge whole in my heart, and I want to cry all day long. The truth is that I feel like a complete victim and that this "thing that happened to me" was unfair. Do I feel like it's okay that it happens to others?, NO, not at all. I hurt for anyone who's ever been through this. It's just so sad.
I really wanted to feel our baby kick and move, I really wanted to have my huge, beautiful, pregnant belly. I really wanted to hold and smell and feed our sweet little baby, and it's all over and I can't do any of that. Instead, in place of all those wonderful things, I have a knot in my throat that will only go away with a good hard cry, a massive headache, a broken heart that aches so bad, a mushy tummy where my baby should be, and a fat butt that won't fit into my jeans.
I have two sister-in-laws who are expecting right now and one of them is due this next week, and she was telling me how very miserable she was feeling and how she couldn't wait for it to all be over and just be able to hold her baby boy. Now I've heard this so many times from so many people, but this time I thought, "don't wish it to be over yet." And another thought was, "hopefully everything goes okay and something doesn't go wrong so she can actually hold her baby." What a HORRID thought, I know, but that is the exact thought that entered my brain.
Then the other sister-in-law came over and we were due at the same time, and I'm sitting here with a huge blanket pulled up to my neck, wishing I could pull it over my head, and here she is in her cute little outfit with her protruding belly and I envied her so bad. I wanted to have a belly with a purpose. Right now, mine has nothing behind it, yet her's has this beautiful little baby growing in it. And I LONGED So HARD for that belly to be mine, or just to have the same thing again like we did a week ago, to have my baby back.
I just wish it never happened and that I was still expecting our little baby, but wishing doesn't fix anything. Nor does crying, or sleeping, or drugging myself up.
I know I can get through this, but I don't know if I want to yet. I read in the March Ensign an article, "Learning Through Life's Trials" and it gave me a bit of strength. It read, "Each of us has the strength to bear our challenges in life because of who we are, who God is, and who we are together." It just hit me so hard that I am a daughter of God and I have qualities that enable me to be God-Like and I, with his help, can make it through anything. I am the woman I am today and tomorrow BECAUSE of the trials I've experienced and will experience, not in spite of them. So I will be a better person because of this, right? It's still very hard. But one really good thing that has happened is this incredible love I feel for my girls. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved them so much, but now I truly appreciate the miracle they are and every moment we have together. I love every little thing about them, their adorable freckles, their giggles, their warm hugs, holding their tiny hands, kisses their sweet cheeks. I just love them so much. They really are amazing miracles.
Anyways, I know these thoughts are all so random, and sad, but I have to get it out of my head and heart. Otherwise, it's just sitting here and making that lump in my throat larger and harder.
18 hours ago
