Random Ramblings of a Crazy Girl

I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts(ps..they are kinda long and a little up and down, so maybe you don't want to read)...first off, I know my readership here has gone down quite a bit in the last few years, so I know this isn't going to be read by a ton of people, and I hope those that read it don't judge me for my crazy ideas and thoughts.

1)I miss AZ so bad. Utah is just not for me. But there are reasons, and here are a few. *I miss family...there is nothing that can replace that. Even just knowing that I could visit them within a few hours, feels so much better, than knowing it would take me a whole day of traveling time, and a small fortune in gas to get there. *I miss the people of AZ...enough said about that. *I miss the sunshine of AZ, not so much the heat, but the actual sunshine. It must do something to me, but it makes me feel good inside, like it gives me life in my soul when the sun is shining. Our first few months here have been so dark and gloomy...yuck. Also, earthquakes scare me and we have had 3 since we've lived here. I hope we can move back to AZ this summer, and hopefully to Pinetop is our goal.

2)I feel fluffy. I have started working out again, which is a terrible thing to say. Like I haven't been doing it, but I haven't. I have a good reason though, that I will talk about in #3. I have dreams that I am this amazing runner with a long and sleek body, that runs so gracefully. But the truth of the matter is, when I actually go outside and start to run, it looks terribly painful, my butt jiggles more than a bowl of jello, and I am huffin' and puffin' so hard that I give up because I think my heart is going to stop beating. Anyways, I want to get pregnant in June, maybe mid-June, after we have hopefully moved back to AZ, so I don't put my self in harms way by moving during early pregnancy. I just know myself too well, and I will try and do it all on my own, and I just can't jeopardize a pregnancy. But my point here is this, I have a few months to lose some weight so I can get preggers. Some people don't care about being smaller when you get prego, but I do, because I know what happens to my body, and it BLOWS up, so I don't want to be the ultra-fat prego chick. So that is my plan there.

3)We just passed our year mark on March 23rd of losing our last baby due to still birth. I can honestly say, that this last year has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I never thought that I could be a depressed person, but I believe this last year I experienced some degrees of that. I was just so sad and pissed for so long, that I felt distant from my Heavenly Father. I know he was with me and loved me, but I didn't feel close and I seriously can't express this enough, but my heart ached so bad, and I was full of sorrow, sadness, and frustration. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks before Macy was born, but this still born was very hard on me. I came to learn that my distance between God and myself was my own doing. Did you know that the Holy Ghost does not want to hang out with a bitter soul? Well it is true. I had to come to a place of peace myself, and choosing to be happy on my own. I also had to do a lot of praying and apologizing for my bitter attitude during this time. After much pleading for forgiveness on my part, I feel a closeness to my Heavenly Father and Savior, and Holy Ghost I have not felt in a long time. I feel like I am starting to recognize inspiration and revelation again, which I don't think I had felt in over 3 years time. I also was too afraid to get pregnant again, not because I didn't want a baby, because I really did, but I was too afraid of losing another one. I knew that emotionally, I could not take that heartache on again. My mom and My sister were so amazing during this time and I just want to thank them for understanding. I am also grateful that I am starting to feel better about all of this.

4)I just want to add that part of my bitterness, was because of our business failing, and us losing everything. We invested all we had, money and time and lost it all. We still had each other, which is the most important thing, but we lost our homes, our cars, and we had to move. Our names were flung in the mud all over the internet, it wasn't true, but it still resulted in me feeling like a big fat failure. We moved to Payson and Dave took a job in the valley and started commuting every day until we finally decided to just move down there. Right when I thought things were starting to turn around, because of a stable job and us expecting our baby, that is when we lost the baby. Ironically enough, the same morning my grandmother passed away. I just felt like I was already so low, and I was being kicked while I was at my lowest point. That is when intense bitterness overcame me.
But I have since moved on, and am just chalking it all up to refinement. Because of my trials, I am becoming who Heavenly Father would want me to be. (Especially when I come to understand that being bitter doesn't help anything. haha)I have been doing my very best at serving others whenever I can, and this too has helped me in so many ways. Just seeing others trials, and being grateful for mine. It also takes my mind off of feeling sorry for myself. We are all instruments in the Lord's hands and are here on this earth to do what he would do. "I am the Lord's Hands on this earth."

5)Since then, our job in the Valley wasn't paying enough for our monthly survival, so Dave started a business on the side doing peoples SEO (search engine optimization) and web design. But we were offered a job here in Utah that would double our income of that in Gilbert. So we came, and guess what.....it didn't double our income. It reduced our income into less than $1000 per month. Which, most families, including ours, can't survive on. So I have been bummed again, because we moved here for this job, and now there isn't a job, and that is just frustrating.

6)Anyways, Dave took his side business and made it full time, which is actually working. So he gets to be home with me and that is so wonderful....I love having him here with me. Even if he is working the entire time, it's just nice knowing he is here. We are blessed with a super duper fantastic relationship, and so being together is absolutely the ideal situation for us!!

7)I am so grateful to have such loving family members who call, write, skype, or even visit us. I feel so loved by so many and I know that is a huge blessing from above. I live for that communication, and am so blessed to have it in my life.

8)The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and the Gospel are such a huge part of who I am and I love being part of that. I love having family prayer, Family Home Evening, Scripture study, and even couple prayers and individual prayers. I love attending my meetings and the spiritual nourishment I get there. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father's Plan and what that means for my family.

9)I love love love my little family so much. Getting to be a mother and a wife are so fulfilling and wonderful to me. I love baking cookies for them and doing things that make their day better. I smile so much and am overwhelmed with love because of them. Yes, there are those days in every mother/wife's life when we wish we could turn the arguments/and or crying into giggles and loving smiles, but for the most part, being a wife and mother are wonderful.

10)I want my girls to stop growing. It seems that every time I turn around they are growing taller, eating more, having pre-teen conversations, or just smiling at me...and it's those moments that I want to freeze time. I know it's part of life and everything will grow and change, but I just want them to stay little longer. I haven't been able to do everything with them, while they are little, that I wanted to. I was thinking the other day, that I would love to get them a nice swing set and play house when we move back to AZ, but Kyla is going to be too big for that soon and won't ever want to play with it. I wanted to have them in Dance and Gymnastics, and all kinds of sports while they were little, so by these ages they would be well on their way. But things have been so crazy, and we haven't been able to do that, and I keep thinking, they are growing so fast and all the things I wanted for them are passing by so quickly before I can give it to them. I think often about the temptations and trials they will have as they grow into their teen years and I wish I could keep them safe from all of that. Anyways, I just want them to stay little, so I can protect them, spend more time with them (I feel like school gets so much of their time,)and give them more opportunities while they are the appropriate ages.

So, those are some of my thoughts right now. There are so many more, but I will bore you half to death if I keep going.